LOL :D

Nice One:
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse. "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him. The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room. The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, you should soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."




The Out House
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment an d said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."


Breakfast at the Whitehouse
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, .."I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit..." "And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie this morning?""Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year!" As the waitress storms away.
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers..........."It's pronounced 'quiche'.



A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."



Where's the bird?
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself.He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.""Now," she said, "If only I could find my parakeet."


Ain't it the truth
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated."Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"
The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle."And where does the money come out?" I asked.
He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."


On the way out
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his advice. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"


The Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.""Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..



Wine Connoisseur
A great drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert."Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate; "I don't take my wine in pills!"



An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Harper, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paidback every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."